A bump in the road
I received my first bump in the road on my way to midwifery. I was feeling confident and competent, in a way haven’t felt for a long time. Being a stay a home parent, and someone out of paid labour for over a decade, I was left feeling my work and efforts; everything I put into the life I have built, holds no value in societies eyes. Without being paid for what you are contributing to the world, it is easy to feel you hold little to no value. This can, over the years lead to a crisis of confidence and competence, which I wont lie contributed heavily to my depression and anxiety. I felt I was incapable of interacting with the real world.
Although my knowledge and experience is wide in terms of babies, breastfeeding, weaning, potty training, infants sleep, cognitive development in children and babies, conflict resolution, caregiving, and running a home. I haven’t been in a professional setting for over a decade and not only can this leave you feeling incapable, I’m sure it can make others question your abilities.
A situation arose a few years ago, and it left me spiralling for a good two weeks until I resolved the situation. My self image and view of my own competence fell apart. I missed submitting a very important official government document, and as a result I fell apart. In those two weeks I spent every moment trying to give my issue perspective, but that didn’t change how I felt about myself and my ability to be a competent member of society. Over time and through resolving the issue, my confidence rebuilt and over the past few years I have tried to stop being so critical of myself. No one is meant to be perfect, we all make mistakes, and it is how you recover and own up to and fix those mistakes that matters.
At the moment the university I applied to has asked for a second reference, one from a current line manager. I don’t have that. I have given them the closest thing I have to that, but this reference is 5 years old.
When raising children 5 years feels like nothing sometimes. I look back over the past 5 years and have no idea where it went. But I also understand in terms of a reference this is out of date. I hope, based on the pandemic (my inability to get anything more recent) and my application this second reference can be overlooked, but if it can not and this is a box I can not check, then this could be the end of the line for me for this year.
I have had a day or so to process this now, and I’m in a much better place, but to begin with it felt like the sky was falling. I am all in on this next chapter, I have been researching for interviews since before I even started my application. Following individuals on Instagram and YouTube, whom I could watch and feel excitement for the life I was about to have. The next chapter that was finally for me. And so I have mourned. It may be too early to be throwing in the towel as it were, but mentally preparing for the answer to be no has really helped me to make my peace with it, if that is the case. I was so far gone that it hadn’t crossed my mind that it wouldn't happen this time.
Whatever happens, I will be continuing this journey. I will fight for it this year, and if it is still a no, then I will prepare for next years application. But whatever life throws at you, it is always important to have perspective, and believe in yourself. You have a duty to believe in yourself, and a bump in the road is not an ending, just a pause.
