I failed my first year at Cambridge
Interviewing for a place at university, to start a second degree, has me reflecting on my first experience. I have made a video on it, if that is something you are interested in seeing, please go check it out!
Storytime | I failed my first year at University [Reflecting whilst waiting] — YouTube
It is so interesting to compare the two experiences and see how much has changed over the years and all the things that are the same. In some ways the interview and the feelings and emotions I experiences on the day were so similar. I thought this time round I would have been more relaxed, more confident, more nonchalant as it were - but this was most definitely not the case.
I have learnt over the years strategies to help me deal with my anxiety, and this time around, creating a YouTube video of the day really helped me manage my time, my environment and what I did that day. Having a tangible thing to create really helped busy my mind and keep me from being overwhelmed. However as I sat there waiting for the interview to begin, I was right back there, that insecure child, terrified of what was to come.
The interview itself was fine, I think. The interviewers were lovely, but I have been overanalysing now for well over a week; I keep replaying all the things I should have added, or said. I didn’t use my time well enough, I forgot buzz words, the looks on the interviewers faces at different times. Its all swirling in my mind, and although I know my strategies, and I am trying my best to implement them, the uncertainty is unnerving and left me questioning everything. It is reeking havoc on my self esteem.
All of this, along with reflecting on my first degree has me thinking about my mental health and how far it has come, but how it is also a work in progress. Like everything in life we can only live, and learn and hopefully grow. I see how I have changed, how I have improved, but I also see the practical steps I still need to take. It is always easier said than done.
I know that through this process my ego and self esteem has taken a considerable hit, but instead of this taking weeks to recover from, it is taking days. From therapy, I was taught to always reflect on how I would have dealt with something six months ago or even a year ago. This has always been so helpful, because growth is incremental, and we rarely see it happening in real time. Its helpful to reflect on all this and remind myself of how far I have come and how far I hope to go.
I failed my first year of university the first time around because I didn’t understand mental health. I was embarrassed and living in fear of anyone knowing I was overwhelmed and depressed. I know know the strength of being open about these issues. Everyone goes through hard times and we can all learn from one another. Others have longer battles or life long battles, but the more we can talk about it, the better we can support each other.
I hope this time round to better protect my mental health, but also watch out for others having a hard time. This year has really helped to bring into focus how we are a society and we can all be there for one another and change our behaviours to protect and help others. I hope that this extends to help create better education on mental health and with communities coming together to support one another. After all, as they say, it takes a village.
Here is the video of the VLOG from my day interviewing if you want to check it out.
