I got an interview!
A little over two weeks ago, I received an email from the only university I had applied to. To me, that email signified the end of the road. I was so overwhelmed by my own insecurities about life and my abilities; an area I thought I was making great strides in. But this simple request for a line manager reference sent me spiralling.
I am ashamed to say I cried myself to sleep that night, a massive overreaction I can now see, except it was a part of my healing. I thought I had come so far from those days of believing I was not capable - of feeling I was an imposter.
I had attended one of the best universities in the country for my first degree, but I spent the entire time feeling I needed to justify my place there. I knew it was some sort of mistake, and believed it wouldn’t be long before everyone else knew it too.
Over the past decade, raising three wonderful children, my self confidence and belief in my abilities has matured as I have. I have come across, and overcome situations I never would have believed I was capable of. With that, a sense of competency and capability grew. But all it took was one innocent email, for me to return right back to that place of believing I am a fraud and someone was on to me.
A few weeks of reflection has me realising that how I interpreted that email, and the subsequent spiral was another healing experience. Whenever you grow or change there is an extinction burst. The old you, or old habit you are trying to break has one last attempt at sucking you back in. For me, those old thought processes that I had not processed fully, that I had ignored and hoped would go away without putting in the work, reared their head. I cried, I spiralled, I tore myself down, I was angry at myself, and then at society. Society didn’t value me, but ultimately it came down to how I valued me.
After my tantrum, I was able to regroup. In the past, my recovery from these sorts of things could take weeks. But this time, after sleeping on it, I had a plan. A productive plan, and also time to reassess how I viewed my accomplishments over the past decade. I was able to take the time to sit with my feelings and own them, feel them, and ultimately move on from them.
Then last Saturday, completely out of the blue, an invitation to interview arrived. In some ways I have always believed in karma and the universe, and this felt like the universes way of making me learn and grow before giving me the thing I so desperately wanted.
My interview is next week, and I am so excited to still be on this journey. But I also think it is so important to spend the time and do the work; always learning and growing from whatever situation you are going through. Stress is a great mechanism for growth, so always look at it as an opportunity to reflect. It is all a part of the journey.
Preparing for a Midwifery Degree Interview [Aspiring Midwifery Student Guide: 2020] — YouTube
