Mother of 3 going back to university

This story is a long time in the making.

I had my first child in 2010, I was 23 and totally out of my depth. Becoming a mother was an incredibly steep learning curve. Everything about it was overwhelming. I remember on day 5 looking for the person responsible for this little creature and realised it was me. From that day till forever, it would be me. That weight felt so heavy, and although it has lifted somewhat over the years with our family growing and the children getting older, that sense of responsibility will never be gone, whether they are a new-born baby, or a young adult leaving the house.

I found the weight of this responsibility and the loneliness that can come with being a stay at home parent was eased whenever I found peers whom I could relate to. The sisterhood of being a mother is a deep bond that transcends most barriers. Anywhere, anytime you can speak to another mother and there is a deep connection that feels routed in the origins of life itself. These connections helped to brighten some of the hardest days.

The compassion and empathy one mother can show another is a great skill that is so important in those early days, and the care and support a woman receives from family and friends can be invaluable. But in those first months of a woman's pregnancy, the person standing beside her, educating her, guiding her, is a midwife… or at least in a perfect world.

My experiences with midwives were unremarkable. I don't remember the faces of any of them. I saw so many. The only midwife I do remember was the one who taught our antenatal course, and that was because she was pregnant with her fifth baby and she gave some amazing advice about mastitis, that was used for all of my babies. Other than her, none stood out. There was no continuity of carer, like the style that is currently (hopefully) being phased in. I felt hopelessly alone and clueless in all this. But this was not the experience of everyone I know.

A midwife can be such a wonderful advocate for a woman when she is at her most vulnerable. She can guide and protect, and be a part of the team that helps a baby make its safe journey into the world. She is there in the very moment that your baby breathes its first breath, and sometimes its last. She is a witness to the most vulnerable time of most peoples lives, and as such it is such an important role to fulfil.

I first wanted to retrain to be a midwife about a year after my first baby was born. Although I never felt that care and compassion from the midwives I encountered during my pregnancy and birth, like some had. I did encounter one who helped alleviate my fears and brought my back from the brink in the days following the birth. A breastfeeding specialist midwife. 10 minutes with her and I was a different person. She brought such compassion, and was able to educated us on some basics leaving me feeling capable.

Over the years I was able to train with different midwives as a breastfeeding peer supporter and worked with wonderful women with such passion for the care and education of other women. I knew one day this was the path I wanted to take. But it felt so daunting. Starting over again, and this time as a mother of three. Am I capable of this?

So this blog is a diary of my journey, for others like me, who are starting over, and for mature students. I hope if nothing else this can make you feel less alone, and even more than that, I hope it can inspire others to pursue a career they know will not only bring joy to themselves but help and care to others.